But really, Deb, how ARE you?

Since this blog is pretty much entirely read by close family members and perhaps one or two friends (hi everyone), I thought perhaps it was time to share what's been going on in life. While it hasn't been a secret - it also hasn't been something I've documented yet on paper or the computer. So - in order to honour what I've been going through, I thought I'd better write something down.

Here we go. In early January, I had my second miscarriage. Sucked. It wasn't as big of a deal as the first, partly because I was only 6 weeks along, and partly because I was having complications and bleeding already when I took the pregnancy test and found out in the first place, so I was holding pretty lightly to this whole thing right from the start.

Why didn't I tell people right away? Why have I not felt the need to write about it like the last time? Well, a number of reasons. 1. last time I wanted sympathy. I wanted people to be sad with me, and let me really mourn. This time, while I have grieved, I haven't wanted sympathy. I didn't want lots of phone calls and people asking me how I'm doing. I just didn't want to talk about it. 2. This time I've got Aria. As weird as it seems, having a little one reminds me that I CAN have another, and that this isn't it. Plus, she just keeps me busy. She is pretty amazing while I am having my times of sorrow, she gives me hugs, and asks me if I have owies and all kinds of wonderfulness. She is so caring - it's amazing to watch.  3. I was a little overwhelmed. We got pregnant as soon as we stopped ensuring we wouldn't get pregnant. The first time around that took a half a year. The next time it took another half a year, so the fact it happened the same month was a bit much to swallow. Losing this little one, as much as it's being missed, has given us a chance to have some necessary conversations BEFORE we get pregnant again - which has been good.

But how am I doing now? Well - I'm certainly not pregnant, for those of you who are wondering. I also strongly dislike the fact that everytime we start "trying" we have a miscarriage, so there's no "surprise, we're pregnant" phone call. Everyone knows that we're trying because of losing a little one. *sigh* the anticipation isn't the same - neither is the excitement. I dislike all my pregnancies starting out with "well, let's just wait and see", but that seems to be the way it is.

Another thing I dislike - the month by month waiting. Every month I convince myself that I'm pregnant until I realize that I'm not. Every SINGLE month I am so in-tuned to my body that I've convinced myself that even though everyone around me is suffering from nausea and sickness, I am NOT sick - I am PREGNANT. Every little thing is a clue to a non-existant puzzle. Every weird dream, every meal that doesn't sit right, every time I'm tired at night, every time I mix up my words...it all means something that it doesn't. I am living in a perpetual state of "not just yet". It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. And I keep it to myself. after all, there's no point in taking Brad (and anyone else) on the roller coaster that I'm on every month - it's ridiculous enough for me to keep going back for more! I know many of you have never had the feeling of waiting - some of you have only ever had accidents, or instant pregnancies. Trust me, it's not fun! And every month I'm sure I'm experiencing the FOURTH first 6 weeks of being pregnant - I don't like being pregnant, so it's just silly to be perpetually experiencing a non-existent 4th pregnancy.

Some funny thoughts that have happened over the last few months... When Brad & I get to heaven, we're going to have 3 kids up there, two we've never met. We'll be driving around in our cloud car yelling "If I have to pull this thing over, somebody's getting a spanking..." and "Aria - stop pestering your younger sibling" and so on. Aria is now a middle child with no siblings.

We've been hashing around names for this little one, because again, I don't want to pretend it never happened. We've thrown around a few names and none have stuck. Except this one: Flop.
Yep - that's right - Flop is now in heaven with Stretch, looking down at us going "Seriously, guys - that's what you came up with?" Yep - that's where we're at. That's what happens when you get named AFTER a miscarriage. You don't get a name that we were happy to call you for the next 9 months - you get a name that tells your story. Oops didn't really work...so Flop it is.

So - to Stretch and Flop - my well loved babies up in heaven - I will see you someday. In the meantime, say Hi to my mom (and get her to read you some stories, she's good at that). and say hi to my Opa - because he'll love you to bits too - and someday we'll all laugh at how bad your dad & I were at coming up with names.

You existed - you were loved - you ARE loved. And hopefully, someday, we'll have another kid on THIS earth to drive around in the mini-van we've bought here. If you're the praying type - pray for that...and then be SUPER excited when we call to tell you the news.

Thanks for reading.
Deb

I drawed an 'A'

Aria just drew a perfect A (well, the side lines were a little curved, but they touched at the top, and there was a line perfectly across them). She said "I drewed an 'A' ".

I was so proud I wrote the date and was going to keep it forever, but she wanted to keep draweding more 'A's so I left her to it. Soon it was scribbled over, but still visible.

When I came back she'd cut it into pieces with scissors.

Oops.

Just for Uncle Rob & Auntie Hyangju

Dear Uncle Rob & Auntie Hyangju.

'samnida! I made a video for you.

From Aria

Always Learning

I had Aria put away her markers, and we were counting them as they went in. She got to about 5 in perfect sequence, and then she needed me to prompt her.

I started with "s..."

And she said "...ix"

I said "s..."

And she completed "...even"

But when I said "ei...." she finished with "...r-i-a!"

The Games We Play (Part 2)

So Aria's started changing up the 'spessle' girl game.

The other day I was just starting into my second question, and she interrupted me loudly: "No, I'm your spessle girl!"

Today I tried again:
"Are you my yoghurt popsicle?"
"No."
"Are you my green plastic spoon?
"Uhuh!" She had a ridiculous amount of merriment in her twinkling eyes, it cracked us both up!

Oh, and another quick story: we had a technician in the house (good-bye ADSL, hello cheaper, faster cable!) who was wearing his uniform cap the more typical way, not the way I do which some people say is backwards. I asked if she wanted me to put her hat on, and she liked that idea. I put it on the way I do, and she wanted it like his. So I turned it around, and then she said: "Look Daddy, I have two hats!"

After a few moments of that, and contemplating life, she decided that she wanted it 'sidewards'. With her, I swear there's no wrong way to wear a hat -- she looks ridiculously cute whichever way it goes. Sidewards is definitely a winner though.

Aria's New Trick

Aria's just learning how to make her fingers into numbers and ages. She was SUPER excited last Saturday when for the first time she showed someone at the bank how old she was, and she got it right! Her eyes just lit up!
We were skyping with Brad's folks the other day, and we were showing off, and she learned a few new ages in the discussion. Here she is, showing off her new knowledge.

Aria's busy eating her cereal and she wants to say " 'samnida" which is her version of the Korean word for thank you "Kam-sam-ni-da" (phonetic spelling only).


One of her favourite thing to do is wear princess dresses and dance to "Giselle" her princess movie (Enchanted). Those of you at Ron & Carol's this summer probably remember her doing this there too. Here it is on video!

The Games We Play

I've gotten Aria to play a game with me.

I ask: "Are you my x. Are you my y." Where x and y are the most random objects I can think of at the moment. She inevitably answers no to both of those, with a growing smile.

After that I ask: "Then, what are you?"

And she answers: "I'm your special girl!"

(She pronounces it "spessle" which is just the best!)

At which point I affirm her: "You are my special girl!"

After she went to bed tonight, and was quiet for about half-an-hour, I suddenly heard her voice from the crib talking to her doll, or Etton, or an imaginary friend:

"Are you my house...? Are you my bedroom...? ...Right, you are my spessle girl!"

Thanks for the sweaters, Nana!

Dear Nana - this is Aria & Carrie Ann talking from Korea.
We are visiting Korea right now. Actually we're not. We're just joking. If we were in Ontario we would come visit Opa and Nana. Carrie Ann would give you a big hug, but Aria says "No".
Carrie Ann wants to say thank you for the sweaters - Carrie Ann's is keeping her steamy hot.
We would go visit the butterflies again. One would land on Carrie Ann's palm, and one would land on the back of Aria's hand. Aria's butterfly would be red and Carrie Ann's would be purple and pink, no, Aria's would be green.

WE LOVE YOU OPA & NANA!

From Aria & Carrie Ann

We did some pictures with a friend for Kiss of Light, but Aria couldn't resist being a part of the action. These are shot in our basement garage at our condo. It's the second time I've done that -- it's a great spot for this kind of thing, something that I've just gotta use more. The only drawback is that it's a little chilly (hence our little girl's parka), but it really wasn't that bad (that parka is overkill on pretty much any day here).

We got a few raised eyebrows with the whole get-up in a dusty garage, but that's part of the fun, right?

And specifically for Dad who just stated that you can't trust any picture these days, there is no post processing at all on these images. Zero.

It Snowed Today...

Aria's been in the snow today three times. I think she's getting a kick out of it -- it seems like it's the first snow she remembers. She loves this snow suit, and surprised me by being able to put it on all by herself -- well 95%. Her ability matches her determination.

Anyway, she even worked with me on these pictures, walking over to play at this entrance gate. It's been a while since she's wanted to do pictures, so I'll take what I can get. She loves that we have pictures of her on the computer, but isn't always in the mood to have the camera pointed at her.

Belligerant Baby

Deb: Aria say Sorry for being...
Aria: sorry for being...
Deb: Belligerent
Aria: NO!

Stages

We were sitting around the staffroom, and my colleagues were talking about their kids finding places to live, offering counsel to struggling friends and acquaintances, and other impressively mature things. I admitted that we are in different stages of life, because we're celebrating that Aria is toilet-trained.

And for us, that is big news!

We discovered it sort of by accident when we stopped putting diapers on her! She now only wears a diaper when she sleeps at night (even 3hr naps are fine!), and sometimes that's even dry the next morning. This is credit to her -- we weren't pushing, she was just ready.

Her style of warning is dramatic enough to head off accidents too. She doesn't say "I may have to pee in the near future..." or "I need to pee, right now". She says "I'm peeing!!" That doesn't mean she is, but it sure gets a reaction. :-)

Meanderings by Deb

It's been a crazy bit of time for me - and of course, really I should be working on stuff for the seminars I'm leading at a conference TOMORROW...but why else would I be on here, if not for procrastination?

It's been a busy start to the year. My courses are all on one day - which means every other day I'm at school, and the other days I'm at the church. Brad still watches Aria on Mondays, which is awesome, and the school play is beginning as well.

I'm also taking a course on how people learn and are motivated to do stuff (applies to work, parenting and teaching - although most of the people in the course are talking about teaching almost exclusively) and I'm totally geeking out on it. I love this kind of stuff - since it resonates so much with how I'm starting to think anyway. Basically - external rewards (like grades, stickers and cash) don't do much to ACTUALLY motivate us to learn more, do better, live better - and at times they prevent it. Be honest - would you actually do a better job at your job if you got a bonus at the end of the year? Or would you do the same job regardless. What if you got LESS of a bonus than you thought you deserved - would that make you continue to work as hard? See? You won't do MORE for a bonus, but you will do LESS for a smaller than expected bonus. NOT useful?

I was looking over this blog the other day, and realized that there aren't NEARLY enough pictures of Aria on it - figured it was probably because now that we're shooting everything in RAW, we actually have to convert it before we just throw things on - it's a little more work - thus...

So - I thought I'd throw a video on, just to make up for it. Aria LOVES stickers - but doesn't understand that most people put them on papers or in sticker books. No, she's pretty sure they're for putting on your hands. And if not on your hands, somewhere else on your body. And the more the merrier.

After this video was made - I passed along all the rest of the stickers we bought for Sun Peaks to my nieces - who put them in sensible places, like the fronts of books (thus making the characters look like they're eating lady bugs etc...- but I digress). We were at Sun Peaks this summer for a conference for Brad's work, and Kristine and I foolishly agreed to watch the 0-3 year olds, since we figured Aria would enjoy playing with the kids anyway. Silly us. Neither of us are "baby" people - so all the crying good-bye's got to us after a few days. BUT it was fine in the end. And we bought stickers, and there were some left after the last day of the conference. What else are you supposed to do with stickers? I ask you??



Speaking of my nieces - now that they're in the area - Aria is starting to understand what sisters means. Basically - she seems to think that people she loves a TON are her sisters (or perhaps people she'd love to have living at our house??). She pronounces it "Si-tuhs" and so far has called Uncle Rob and Auntie Hyangju her Si-tuhs, and Boo, Mike Wazowski and Kitty her situhs as well (if you don't know who I'm talking about, you obviously don't watch as many Pixar movies as I do...lucky you).

She's also starting to just offer I love you's to people. It's pretty great when you pick her up from her crib and she says "I love you so much, mommy" and cuddles in for a hug. Of course, she also kicks people (well, just Brad) when she's mad. Hmmmm...

I got new glasses - and the nose pads came off already - so I went back to get new nose pads and explained to Aria that my nose hurt. She kissed it better. It's really amazing how much better it ACTUALLY felt. Ladies and gentlemen (and the rest of you who read this stuff), kissing actually makes things feel better. Try it sometime (with someone appropriate).

I think you're all wonderful!
Deb

If Only I'd Stuck With Gymnastics For A Few More Years...

Yeah right! Check out some of the cool camera work -- I love where the camera spins with the gymnast.

Some Memorable Lines

We were among family for dinner, and Aria suggested that we listen to music, which she calls 'musit'. (The CD player was right near her chair, so it seemed natural to her). Her Mom told her that we're talking and it wasn't time to listen to music. She thought about that while conversation continued around her, and then piped up again, slightly louder:

"How about if nobody talks, then we can listen to musit."

Nanna and Opa were baby-sitting when Deb and I went out to Dinner for Schmucks (we really enjoyed it!). In order to prepare her for bed-time, they started to ask if Etton (her blue elephant buddy) was getting tired. Finally Aria told them:

"Etton's not tired but Aria is."