But really, Deb, how ARE you?

Since this blog is pretty much entirely read by close family members and perhaps one or two friends (hi everyone), I thought perhaps it was time to share what's been going on in life. While it hasn't been a secret - it also hasn't been something I've documented yet on paper or the computer. So - in order to honour what I've been going through, I thought I'd better write something down.

Here we go. In early January, I had my second miscarriage. Sucked. It wasn't as big of a deal as the first, partly because I was only 6 weeks along, and partly because I was having complications and bleeding already when I took the pregnancy test and found out in the first place, so I was holding pretty lightly to this whole thing right from the start.

Why didn't I tell people right away? Why have I not felt the need to write about it like the last time? Well, a number of reasons. 1. last time I wanted sympathy. I wanted people to be sad with me, and let me really mourn. This time, while I have grieved, I haven't wanted sympathy. I didn't want lots of phone calls and people asking me how I'm doing. I just didn't want to talk about it. 2. This time I've got Aria. As weird as it seems, having a little one reminds me that I CAN have another, and that this isn't it. Plus, she just keeps me busy. She is pretty amazing while I am having my times of sorrow, she gives me hugs, and asks me if I have owies and all kinds of wonderfulness. She is so caring - it's amazing to watch.  3. I was a little overwhelmed. We got pregnant as soon as we stopped ensuring we wouldn't get pregnant. The first time around that took a half a year. The next time it took another half a year, so the fact it happened the same month was a bit much to swallow. Losing this little one, as much as it's being missed, has given us a chance to have some necessary conversations BEFORE we get pregnant again - which has been good.

But how am I doing now? Well - I'm certainly not pregnant, for those of you who are wondering. I also strongly dislike the fact that everytime we start "trying" we have a miscarriage, so there's no "surprise, we're pregnant" phone call. Everyone knows that we're trying because of losing a little one. *sigh* the anticipation isn't the same - neither is the excitement. I dislike all my pregnancies starting out with "well, let's just wait and see", but that seems to be the way it is.

Another thing I dislike - the month by month waiting. Every month I convince myself that I'm pregnant until I realize that I'm not. Every SINGLE month I am so in-tuned to my body that I've convinced myself that even though everyone around me is suffering from nausea and sickness, I am NOT sick - I am PREGNANT. Every little thing is a clue to a non-existant puzzle. Every weird dream, every meal that doesn't sit right, every time I'm tired at night, every time I mix up my words...it all means something that it doesn't. I am living in a perpetual state of "not just yet". It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. And I keep it to myself. after all, there's no point in taking Brad (and anyone else) on the roller coaster that I'm on every month - it's ridiculous enough for me to keep going back for more! I know many of you have never had the feeling of waiting - some of you have only ever had accidents, or instant pregnancies. Trust me, it's not fun! And every month I'm sure I'm experiencing the FOURTH first 6 weeks of being pregnant - I don't like being pregnant, so it's just silly to be perpetually experiencing a non-existent 4th pregnancy.

Some funny thoughts that have happened over the last few months... When Brad & I get to heaven, we're going to have 3 kids up there, two we've never met. We'll be driving around in our cloud car yelling "If I have to pull this thing over, somebody's getting a spanking..." and "Aria - stop pestering your younger sibling" and so on. Aria is now a middle child with no siblings.

We've been hashing around names for this little one, because again, I don't want to pretend it never happened. We've thrown around a few names and none have stuck. Except this one: Flop.
Yep - that's right - Flop is now in heaven with Stretch, looking down at us going "Seriously, guys - that's what you came up with?" Yep - that's where we're at. That's what happens when you get named AFTER a miscarriage. You don't get a name that we were happy to call you for the next 9 months - you get a name that tells your story. Oops didn't really work...so Flop it is.

So - to Stretch and Flop - my well loved babies up in heaven - I will see you someday. In the meantime, say Hi to my mom (and get her to read you some stories, she's good at that). and say hi to my Opa - because he'll love you to bits too - and someday we'll all laugh at how bad your dad & I were at coming up with names.

You existed - you were loved - you ARE loved. And hopefully, someday, we'll have another kid on THIS earth to drive around in the mini-van we've bought here. If you're the praying type - pray for that...and then be SUPER excited when we call to tell you the news.

Thanks for reading.
Deb