Life as a journey...

Well, life has been quite the journey this year. I've taken our blog off google's search engines etc so that I can talk to just the people who know us well, or know us through other people we know.

Why? Because we've got some sucky news. From last January to this January, we've lost three babies. It's not something we've told lots of people because it's not something we want to be talking about ALL the time, but it's where our life is at right now, and I want to share with those who still check on us from time to time here.

We've been tested, I've been poked in prodded in all sorts of unique places, and nothing has come back with ANYTHING, I'm normal, which isn't a good thing, because it's not fixable! The first two were Christmas last year (I  got pregnant in December and lost the baby early January - only 5 or 6 weeks along). The second was in the spring - March - May. I was 11 weeks along that time, which was tough. We keep thinking we're in the safe zone (the first miscarriage was at 10 weeks), and then being disappointed. After these most recent two we were able to be referred to the Women's Health Centre because of having 3 miscarriages. It took the rest of the summer and fall to do all the testing and find out there was nothing we could fix. November I got pregnant again, and we went for an ultrasound just before our trip out to Ontario for Christmas. This is what I saw:

It was pretty excited to see that there was a heartbeat, as we had no proof at all with the previous three that there'd ever been a baby (I've never seen a foetus when I've miscarried). She said we were at around 6 weeks and 1 day at that point. We scheduled another ultrasound for the Friday we got home from our trip. I was 9 weeks along when I went for that ultrasound and they couldn't find a heartbeat. The doctor doing the ultrasound put the time our baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and 6 days.

The next Wednesday I went in for a D&C, which I hadn't had before. They're not fun, but there's no part of any sort of miscarriage that is fun. I was glad to KNOW, rather than just waiting and hoping, but it hasn't made things easy, nonetheless. At least now they have a baby they can do testing on, and they can find out if there's genetic (or other) reasons for me not to be able to keep babies past 6 weeks.

Brad & I have decided our next attempt will be our last. We've had our life on hold for quite some time functioning in the "baby stage" kind of from when we started talking about kids (6 years ago or so?), to now. If we KNOW we aren't having another, God is planting in our hearts excitement for what the future could bring with only one little one. The benefits? Less cost, we can stay in our home for longer, we can travel significantly sooner, I can go back to school for my PDP sooner - and we're not in a state of constant waiting.
BUT we would be OVER JOYED if there was a little one to share our life with.
As for adoption, someone who's adopted phrased the question excellently. "Is adoption in your heart?". The answer to that question is no. It's not in our heart. Adoption is excellent, and so valuable, but for Brad & I it's just not in our hearts, so for us it's not an option. There's lots of reasons why it's not an option, but the truth is just that - it's not in our hearts.

The more we continue on this journey, the more thankful and grateful we are for our little girl. She seems to be a real miracle for us. I have appreciated her hugs, cuddles, and statements of love for us. We all love our little family. Who couldn't - look at this little girl, at the height of her 3-year-old-ness.

She is SUCH a blessing to us! And as much as we don't know why God is taking us on this journey, we are thankful, I am thankful that even as I'm writing this I have a little girl cuddled up next to me on the couch, hugging my arm.
Deb

A Sparkly Princess-y Evening

A trip to the mall
A trip to our church (My church got dressed up!)
A trip to friend's houses (where she GAVE candy as well as got it).

All in all a good evening for ARIA!

Ode to the Apostrophe

Very few of you will appreciate that title - but those of you who do...ohhhh yeaaaaaa

So, today Aria had to pee, and we're working on her going all by herself, but she was being hesitant. I asked:

D: Do you need Mommy's help?
A: No, say "do you need momma help?"
D: (refusing to encourage bad grammar) Do you need Mommy's help?
A: No, say "do you need mommy help?"
D: Repeated myself
A: No, just one mommy...

I then proceeded to explain about apostrophe's and how I the "S" had an apostrophe that meant help BELONGING TO Mommy, not that there are two mommy's - BUT I don't think she got it...

Oh, Apostrophe, how you baffle three-year-olds.



The photos below aren't great, but they show that Aria is learning facial expressions, this was me saying, "be silly, be angry, be tired, be happy" etc...she's pretty good, in my opinion...

Time for Some Pictures

We discovered a really great playground in walking distance from our house. Aria is never super-eager to go there, but then never wants to leave. (Actually, she has a similar thing going on that I had when I was a kid: she doesn't like to change states. She doesn't like to have a bath, but once in it, doesn't want to get out. I was exactly the same way. I don't understand it, but I get it. Naming it that way helped her Mom get what's going on, too.)

This is a really great time in our lives together. Really, really great. Some of her perceptions are so much deeper than her 3 years, and then the next thing she says is the epitome of being a kid. When she's saying something, she strives so hard to be understood, and she won't rest until she is, even if that means she needs to bend our own meanings to get there.

A Vector Has Both Direction and Magnitude

We recently tried to go to Chapters, one of Aria's favourite places to be, but she was having a very whiny day, and just as we were getting there it escalated to the point where we decided (with a warning and an ultimatum) that we were not going there after all. Everyone in the parking lot (if not the city!) was made aware of her despondent disappointment.

Because we're such good parents, we recognised that part of her emotional condition was probably due to hunger, a diagnosis she didn't seem to instantly agree with. We couldn't reason with her, so we decided a new tack: give her the opportunity to express an opinion. When we asked her where she wanted to go to eat, she said in her most forlorn, chin-on-chest tone: "A coffee shop."

That kind of took me back. "A coffee shop!? What kind of coffee shop?"

She answered, still in the same woe-is-me voice: "The kind of coffee shop that has a Chapters next to it."

Easter Kisses From Aria Take II

Some of you may remember this from two years ago. Here we are with a repeat at three.

She's certainly growing up!!

Happy Easter to All Of You, from All of Us!!

Deb, Brad & Aria

My Special Girl...

Brad has previously explained the game he plays with Aria:
B: Are you my couch?
A: No
B: Are you my television?
A: No
B: Well, what are you then?
A: I'm your spessial girl!!

Well, she's started not answering with that any more - and it's becoming quite funny the twists she's put on this one recently.

As a side note: We've started playing card games with Aria.

B: Aria, Are you my ceiling fan?
A: Go Fish.

Here's some pictures from our recent engagement session with Aria's aunt & soon-to-be Uncle.

Well, She's Got the Principles Down

At the point of leaving, someone specifically thanked Aria for having them over. I asked Aria "What do you say?" She shyly turned her big eyes to me, obviously in over her depth, and said:

"Do I say 'congratulations'?"

Reasoning with a Three-Year-Old

Aria wants to wear a dress to church that encourages people to give us all their old 80's flowered dresses. Their reasoning, "It's not really my kid's style, but I see that Aria likes this type of dress". GREAT - just what I want.

SO...we're working on putting her in really cute clothes for church on Sundays.

Today, she's quite sure that she wants to wear a dress from MY childhood to church - that's right - good old 80's again. So, I told her that if she can give me a good reason (rather than crying), then she could wear her dress. Here's the conversation that ensued:

A: I want to wear my dress.
D: Why?
A: Because I want to.
D: That's not a reason, why do you want to?
A: because
D: That's not a reason
A: Yes it is a reason.
D: No it's not - why do you want to?
A: Because...

and on went the circular conversation.

which ended with:
D: I will let you wear your dress IF you have a good reason, and "because" and "I want to" are not good enough reasons.
A: Ok. I'm going to colour.

And she goes and grabs what she thought was a pen, but was actually a flashlight.

A: This isn't a pen!
D: Nope, it's a flashlight
A: Oh - it's broken.
D: That's right, there's no batteries.
A: Oh, why not?
D: because they're in your camera so you can take pictures.
A: Oh, I want my camera to be broken.
D: No, that wouldn't be good.
A: Yes, it would be good.
D: No, it wouldn't.
A: I want my camera to be broken so my flashlight will be fixed.
D: Oh...well, that's a good reason.
A: THAT'S why I want to wear my dress.

Because of these conversations, she's started leaving the room saying in a sing-songy voice:
A: Bye bye, it was nice to meet you. Have a good REASON!!

I Swear This Isn't an April Fool's Joke

Oh snap! I so got you. You thought I wasn't going to do an April Fool's joke. I even said it in the title of this post. But then I did it anyway. I wrote a blog post that's an April Fool's joke about not doing an April Fool's joke that's a post right on my blog. And you were totally taken in! Oh man, I wish you could see the look on your face!

Little Miss Manners

We're working on the niceties of life with our daughter. She's not even three, and she's started to ask politely for things the first time, to apologise when there's some kind of contravention, and to excuse herself about bodily functions. After supper tonight, she emitted a cute little belch, and started to laugh about it.

In my stern fatherly voice, I said: "What do you say?"

She paused, her eyes sparkled, and in a long, growlly fake-burp, she said "Exxcuuusse mmeee."

Aria's First Nap & Curb Jumping

Right now Aria's napping in her "Big Girl Bed" for the very first time. In her pink room. In what was formerly our never used office / throw the junk in there when people visit. Her room is so sweet - the rest of our house is full of stuff that came out of that room.
*sigh* we've still got our work cut our for us, but she LOVES her new room. She calls it her castle.

PS: Aria also jumped up onto a curb by herself for the first time ever today. Pretty amazing.

But really, Deb, how ARE you?

Since this blog is pretty much entirely read by close family members and perhaps one or two friends (hi everyone), I thought perhaps it was time to share what's been going on in life. While it hasn't been a secret - it also hasn't been something I've documented yet on paper or the computer. So - in order to honour what I've been going through, I thought I'd better write something down.

Here we go. In early January, I had my second miscarriage. Sucked. It wasn't as big of a deal as the first, partly because I was only 6 weeks along, and partly because I was having complications and bleeding already when I took the pregnancy test and found out in the first place, so I was holding pretty lightly to this whole thing right from the start.

Why didn't I tell people right away? Why have I not felt the need to write about it like the last time? Well, a number of reasons. 1. last time I wanted sympathy. I wanted people to be sad with me, and let me really mourn. This time, while I have grieved, I haven't wanted sympathy. I didn't want lots of phone calls and people asking me how I'm doing. I just didn't want to talk about it. 2. This time I've got Aria. As weird as it seems, having a little one reminds me that I CAN have another, and that this isn't it. Plus, she just keeps me busy. She is pretty amazing while I am having my times of sorrow, she gives me hugs, and asks me if I have owies and all kinds of wonderfulness. She is so caring - it's amazing to watch.  3. I was a little overwhelmed. We got pregnant as soon as we stopped ensuring we wouldn't get pregnant. The first time around that took a half a year. The next time it took another half a year, so the fact it happened the same month was a bit much to swallow. Losing this little one, as much as it's being missed, has given us a chance to have some necessary conversations BEFORE we get pregnant again - which has been good.

But how am I doing now? Well - I'm certainly not pregnant, for those of you who are wondering. I also strongly dislike the fact that everytime we start "trying" we have a miscarriage, so there's no "surprise, we're pregnant" phone call. Everyone knows that we're trying because of losing a little one. *sigh* the anticipation isn't the same - neither is the excitement. I dislike all my pregnancies starting out with "well, let's just wait and see", but that seems to be the way it is.

Another thing I dislike - the month by month waiting. Every month I convince myself that I'm pregnant until I realize that I'm not. Every SINGLE month I am so in-tuned to my body that I've convinced myself that even though everyone around me is suffering from nausea and sickness, I am NOT sick - I am PREGNANT. Every little thing is a clue to a non-existant puzzle. Every weird dream, every meal that doesn't sit right, every time I'm tired at night, every time I mix up my words...it all means something that it doesn't. I am living in a perpetual state of "not just yet". It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. And I keep it to myself. after all, there's no point in taking Brad (and anyone else) on the roller coaster that I'm on every month - it's ridiculous enough for me to keep going back for more! I know many of you have never had the feeling of waiting - some of you have only ever had accidents, or instant pregnancies. Trust me, it's not fun! And every month I'm sure I'm experiencing the FOURTH first 6 weeks of being pregnant - I don't like being pregnant, so it's just silly to be perpetually experiencing a non-existent 4th pregnancy.

Some funny thoughts that have happened over the last few months... When Brad & I get to heaven, we're going to have 3 kids up there, two we've never met. We'll be driving around in our cloud car yelling "If I have to pull this thing over, somebody's getting a spanking..." and "Aria - stop pestering your younger sibling" and so on. Aria is now a middle child with no siblings.

We've been hashing around names for this little one, because again, I don't want to pretend it never happened. We've thrown around a few names and none have stuck. Except this one: Flop.
Yep - that's right - Flop is now in heaven with Stretch, looking down at us going "Seriously, guys - that's what you came up with?" Yep - that's where we're at. That's what happens when you get named AFTER a miscarriage. You don't get a name that we were happy to call you for the next 9 months - you get a name that tells your story. Oops didn't really work...so Flop it is.

So - to Stretch and Flop - my well loved babies up in heaven - I will see you someday. In the meantime, say Hi to my mom (and get her to read you some stories, she's good at that). and say hi to my Opa - because he'll love you to bits too - and someday we'll all laugh at how bad your dad & I were at coming up with names.

You existed - you were loved - you ARE loved. And hopefully, someday, we'll have another kid on THIS earth to drive around in the mini-van we've bought here. If you're the praying type - pray for that...and then be SUPER excited when we call to tell you the news.

Thanks for reading.
Deb

I drawed an 'A'

Aria just drew a perfect A (well, the side lines were a little curved, but they touched at the top, and there was a line perfectly across them). She said "I drewed an 'A' ".

I was so proud I wrote the date and was going to keep it forever, but she wanted to keep draweding more 'A's so I left her to it. Soon it was scribbled over, but still visible.

When I came back she'd cut it into pieces with scissors.

Oops.

Just for Uncle Rob & Auntie Hyangju

Dear Uncle Rob & Auntie Hyangju.

'samnida! I made a video for you.

From Aria