We heard a heartbeat!!!

It was pretty strong - and kinda cool. It's weird to think that there's a little something growing inside of me (many people my age who grew up with the movie "Alien" where something comes out of Sigourney Weaver's belly and tries to bite her can relate). My imagination gets to me sometimes...

We heard the heartbeat on Monday - which was good. The last TWO times we went to the doctor he couldn't find it (at 12 weeks and 14 weeks) so when we got there for our last check-up at 16 weeks, we were glad to finally hear a SUPER strong heartbeat - I guess our baby was just hiding & playing games, but now it's too big to do that anymore!

Speaking of too big - it's about 6 inches now (that's 15 cm for you metric types) - sometimes I hold my fingers that wide apart on my belly and think "How can something that big be in there, and I can't feel it yet?" And then I realize that for many months my sleep will be interrupted by feeling it move, and I realize I can't complain.

When we were listening to the heartbeat the doctor said "can you hear that...it's going "it's a boy, it's a boy, it's a boy", Brad, of course had to correct him and tell him it's a girl, but we'll see who's right in the end. Guessing games are fun, and I'm glad we don't know - it makes it more fun this way in my opinion.

Superheroes of the world...UNITE!!!

Brad and I were talking yesterday about great comedy improv superheroes and their super side kicks. We were inspired by Stephen Colbert who said he was going to have a hyperbole competition with George Clooney that was going to be the most amazing incredible competition EVER...(or something along those lines). So, we've joked about this before and came up with "Delayed Reaction Man" and his sidekick "Jumps to Conclusion Boy". Yesterday the hero we came up with was "Hyperbole Man" and his faithful sidekick "Over-reaction Boy". Could you imagine?

"Over-Reaction Boy - the garbage truck hasn't come yet - this is the most horrible thing that has ever happened - "

"Oh no!! We're going to be over-run with garbage in a week, our city will be destroyed within the month, quick, we need to start eating garbage to save the planet!!"

"Over-Reaction Boy - put that that tin can you're eating down. Here comes the garbage truck"

and on and on...

Do you have any fun suggestions for ridiculous superheroes, or their fabulous sidekicks?

You know...

I've realized that almost all of my posts either have ... in the title or !!!

How about that for random.

Otherwise - I'm tired, make that exhausted - so tired that last night I couldn't even comprehend dinner beyond what was easily accessible from the spot I'd crashed onto on the couch. Ketchup chips & peanuts...yum...not feeling so great either - just blah all around this week.

*sigh*

I'm still just DEB...

It was a tough week to be telling everyone we're expecting, because I've been so busy with OTHER things at the same time that it's been hard for me to be excited about stuff (I don't know how excited I'll be, after all, there's a whole lot of responsibility involved with a baby...) ANYWAY, it's becoming apparent that being pregnant and people knowing means a whole lot of things that I wasn't hoping it would mean. Here's just a FEW examples from the last week:
*Being called mom or my personal non-favourite "Preggers" rather than Deb. Suddenly I have completely lost my identity.
*The entire span of my conversations with most people go from "so how far along are you" to "when I gave birth..." and that's about it.
*On the opening night of my play (which I spent hours and months on - based entirely on my skills in theatre and directing) what gets announced to the entire audience? That I'm pregnant. Oh yeah...I wasn't asked beforehand...
*"Are you sure that's good for the baby?" A question I heard from someone who's basically a stranger...how is this your business? Are you really calling me a bad mother?? (If I'm to pull it to the extreme)
*Belly touching...from aquaintances...men...people invading my personal space just to touch my belly, even though at this point, my baby is so LOW down that if someone ACTUALLY wanted to pat my baby I could sue them for sexual harassment.
*Suddenly there's a whole lot of personal space and personal questions that people feel they can ask just because I'm going to give birth to our child (and it has no connection with those people who are invading).

What do I like? That Brad & I are finally both able to accept the fact that we're pregnant. That we can talk about the baby and it's a good thing. That I can look at pictures of the ultrasound and know that little baby's ours (I also love it when people tell me the picture looks like me...and I say it looks like his father, of COURSE). That although I'm tired & feeling just weird, there's still the knowledge that this pregnancy seems to be working, and that's a great thing. God is good, even when people are insensitive.

Dress Rehearsals

Dress rehearsals are happening this week for Anne - I was up so late Monday night that my stomach was NOT happy with me. Yesterday I was asleep by 8:30 and I still woke up this morning exhausted. I've been so busy, but my body doesn't get over sleep deprivation - normally if I miss say 4 hours of sleep, I just sleep an extra two hours the next night and I'm ok. Not now, now if I miss 4 hours, my body keeps reminding me that I owe it 4 hours of sleep, so I'm still not caught up, AND have practice tonight and tomorrow (and opening night on Friday).

Pray for me!!!

We're Getting a BABY!!!

YAY! We're so excited to be able to share this with you guys finally! It's been a long three months, but at the same time, we're glad to be able to share good news with you guys this time around. We felt so hesitant to say anything until we saw that little baby on the ultrasound, and saw it's little heart beat and saw it's mouth open and close and it's arms & legs move around. What a cool feeling to know that that little baby is a part of our family already. It's funny, both Brad & I have commented that seeing the ultrasound was odd because the baby was moving and when you see the pictures (as we'll post soon), they're static, but when you're there, you see it moving around - and then knowing that that little moving flailing thing is growing inside me is another odd thing to think about.
What we're working on now: A fetus name we can both agree with - it's taking a while.

On another note: Final dress rehearsals for Anne of Green Gables this week (if you're in the area, come and watch!), pray for strength for me to get through this week without collapsing from exhaustion, remember that post in August about "and if I'm pregnant, it's like God throwing a chainsaw into the mix of stuff I'm juggling"...well, he did it - and He's given me the strength to survive, but MAN am I tired!

Remember back when I wasn't experiencing morning sickness...

And was all worried because of that...sigh...those were the days my friend. It's been the second time in three days that I threw up (dinner this time), and I realized that rather than worrying, I should have been ENJOYING the fact I wasn't throwing up. Why, because throwing up sucks! Plus it's totally destroying my "I never throw up" story (didn't for years - from the age of 10 or 12 or something until my second knee surgery...now I can't say that anymore). Oh well, there's definitely a baby in there!!

I PASSED, I PASSED....

As per Dan's comments on the last post though...don't expect me to be giving anyone suggestions anytime soon. I too stalled my bike (for future notice for anyone else...don't try starting in second or third during your test, doesn't bode well for avoiding stalling) while trying to turn left. Thank goodness there was no traffic coming, as it took about three starts for me to get the thing going... I also drove the wrong way down a one way parking lot area. I was supposed to just turn around, but I didn't want to break any rules, SO, I followed the signs down the way, and around and I was coming back and in the meantime the guy on the radio keeps radioing "anytime you want to come out"..."Just come out now" and other such wonderful things. SO, i figured forget following the rules (also something you should NEVER figure on a test) and let's just get out of here, so I cut across two parking stalls & started driving down a way that was clearly marked with arrows going the OTHER direction. AND that's when they decided to pull in and see where I was. OOPS!! Seeing as it wasn't part of their actual test, I'm glad they didn't fail me for it, but they totally could have.

ANYWAY, the whole point...I now have my official license and I can drive whenever I want where ever I want with whom ever I want on the back...of course, after hearing this story, I'm not sure if any of you are going to WANT to drive with me, but that's beside the point!

I take my test today...

Haven't told anyone here, but I figured you all will find out whether I pass or fail anyway...PRAY for me - I haven't ridden in a month due to gross weather, but I'm feeling confident anyway. Of course, all it takes is one stupid mistake...BLAH!

3:00 PT. Pray.

On another note: Anne is going well. Ken saw it for the first time last night (the artistic director of Gal. 7) and he liked it, which is good. He said it's really good for two weeks before opening, which is great to hear!

I just threw up for the first time!!

At 11 weeks and 5 days along. Most people are OVER morning sickness by then and I'm just starting.

I threw away some milk that had gone bad in the fridge, and the smell just put me over the edge. I've smelled bad things that have made me come close before, but this was the first time that I've actually puked. Thankfully it was BEFORE I'd eaten breakfast, so there wasn't a whole lot there to get rid of.

I went back to the bedroom and Brad said "Well, now you're definately pregnant". We're going for an ultrasound soon, we were at the doctor yesterday and he couldn't find a heartbeat (which is common at 11 weeks), but it was still a little nerve wracking. SO, hopefully soon we'll have something to show you that will make it official enough that we'll have something to tell you! We're still just waiting and waiting and waiting.

My plays are both cast!!!

What a big relief and what a wonderful feeling. I'm VERY excited about the shows, and am looking forward to working with this crew. Every year there's a few people who are great actors, but either I don't connect with them, or they're egomaniacs, or they have a bad attitude or something - this year, I feel like that may not happen on this cast. This is a NICE cast of generally humble and compassionate people, which is really good. Anne's cast is also good, which is a very great feeling.

So - I'm blessed as of right now, we'll see if I feel the same at the end of the month, or February, but for now, I'm very excited about the people I'm going to be working with.

YAY!

Different kinds of difficult...

As I read about my sister-in-law Caryn's pregnancy journey, and feel really bad about her morning sickness, and other infections and problems and such, there's a part of me that feels like she's kind of lucky. All that stuff is a result of her body responding to the hormones that are coursing through her body. I have the same hormones, but they don't cause the same reactions - which is kinda scary. A little bit of morning sickness lets you know that the baby's really growing - that it's really part of you and changing things in you. For me, the lack of morning sickness is causing a different kind of a difficult pregnancy, I'm constantly questioning whether or not I'm actually pregnant, whether or not this baby's going to stick around - and although I'm not PHYSICALLY finding this pregnancy difficult - I'm mentally and emotionally having all kinds of games being played, and that's tough. There's a lot of fear and uncertainty, and there's a part of me that would just feel a little bit of relief if I just threw up once or twice.

NOT that I want to be physically sick (or could handle it with my schedule being what it is), so in a way, it's like God is taking care and not giving me more than I could handle - but it does make me wonder about how secure Maybe.it is - and that's scary.

That is why we're waiting to tell all you guys - even though I really want to. Thursday is 10 weeks - and I'll feel MUCH better once I pass that milestone (it was the day of the beginning of week 10 that we lost Stretch). I want to hear a heartbeat before I start making phone calls. But then other days, I just want to post all these blogs and be done with it!

This is difficult - in a whole different way than morning sickness would be.

School Play Auditions are HARD...

It's really tough in a play where the parts aren't terribly specific to pick people for roles. Whomever you put in a certain role, that person will add such a flavour in Flowers For Algernon that I could have an entirely different play depending on who gets put where. And when I have a number of strong candidates, and few who REALLY stood out, suddenly things become rather interesting.

SO...my job this year is not enjoyable, and is taking longer than usual as well, which also isn't fun. BUT I think that the PEOPLE I have are good people, and that's going to make for a more enjoyable play than having good actors who are full of themselves or not team players. With the content of the play, they'd better be good people.

Pray for me as I make these decisions. BLAH - the least fun part of my job.

I just went shopping...

And bought a bunch of maternity clothes. How weird! I figure part of embracing the fact that I'm pregnant is taking steps to accept it, rather than spending all of my time pretending nothing is different. Things are different than last time, although I'm still not puking (which in some ways would be a relief). I have been feeling less stable in the stomach area - and my mom never really had morning sickness, and Rebecca didn't have much with most of her kids, so maybe it's just not a common O-hand trait - and since I so seldom throw up anyway, perhaps it's ok. There's other things that have made me feel a little more confident, but until I hear a heartbeat - I'm not making any promises that I'm all gung ho. ANYWAY - I went shopping, and rather than feel fat in a regular store where nothing fits like it used to - I went to a maternity store and bought stuff that could be confused for regular clothes anyway, and rather than feeling like a very large woman who just keeps putting on weight, I felt very slim in maternity clothes. What a nice feeling.

So...I don't need them, and I SURE hope no tags stick out and people find out - but I sure like my new clothes and I'm glad to have a few investment pieces - that hopefully have to last me for the next 7 months. This HAS helped my excitement build, which has been a nice change from some of the other feelings I've been having.

Gotta go find food - I'm STARVING!

Miscarriages mess you up...

It's weird this time around in the pregnancy, because rather than thinking about the future, rather than thinking about buying maternity clothes, and stuff for a baby, and furniture and setting up a college trust fund (ha ha... ha...), I'm just thinking: I hope I don't lose this baby. It makes everything much more immediate, and it's a little weird. What's going to happen when the baby IS fine, and all of a sudden Brad and I have to take it home, and we realize we have no car-seat or place for the baby to sleep because we had such a tenuous hold on the reality of it all that we're still scared to commit to being parents. Who knows how long it's going to take me to get over this feeling and start to ANTICIPATE things, the closest I get is anticipating perhaps losing it, and on a positive note, anticiapting a trip to the doctor where we can hear the heartbeat. I think once I hear a heartbeat I MAY be able to be a little more excited, but I don't know. That's why we've been calling the baby Maybe-it so far. It works, maybe-it's a boy, maybe-it's a girl, maybe-it's smart and beautiful etc. It does still work, but the real reason we came up with the name was "Maybe-it"'s actually a baby this time. Maybe-it will live...but we're still living in the land of the maybe-it's and it's a hard place to live, hoping for the time when Maybe-it won't be an appropriate name anymore.

At the same time - none of us know our maybe-it's. None of us know when we'll live & when we'll die. When we marry someone, it's on a maybe-it. Who knows where life will take you, a former student of mine (all of 20 or so) is married to a guy diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphona. I bet she wasn't thinking of dealing with cancer in the first year when she said "in sickness and in health". Life and death are sobering thoughts - hard ones to deal with, and having dealt with them the first time around, they're much more strongly in my head this time around...and therefore - Maybe-it is in our lives for the time being - and it's only up to God how long he or she will be there...