I Swear This Isn't an April Fool's Joke

Oh snap! I so got you. You thought I wasn't going to do an April Fool's joke. I even said it in the title of this post. But then I did it anyway. I wrote a blog post that's an April Fool's joke about not doing an April Fool's joke that's a post right on my blog. And you were totally taken in! Oh man, I wish you could see the look on your face!

Little Miss Manners

We're working on the niceties of life with our daughter. She's not even three, and she's started to ask politely for things the first time, to apologise when there's some kind of contravention, and to excuse herself about bodily functions. After supper tonight, she emitted a cute little belch, and started to laugh about it.

In my stern fatherly voice, I said: "What do you say?"

She paused, her eyes sparkled, and in a long, growlly fake-burp, she said "Exxcuuusse mmeee."

Aria's First Nap & Curb Jumping

Right now Aria's napping in her "Big Girl Bed" for the very first time. In her pink room. In what was formerly our never used office / throw the junk in there when people visit. Her room is so sweet - the rest of our house is full of stuff that came out of that room.
*sigh* we've still got our work cut our for us, but she LOVES her new room. She calls it her castle.

PS: Aria also jumped up onto a curb by herself for the first time ever today. Pretty amazing.

But really, Deb, how ARE you?

Since this blog is pretty much entirely read by close family members and perhaps one or two friends (hi everyone), I thought perhaps it was time to share what's been going on in life. While it hasn't been a secret - it also hasn't been something I've documented yet on paper or the computer. So - in order to honour what I've been going through, I thought I'd better write something down.

Here we go. In early January, I had my second miscarriage. Sucked. It wasn't as big of a deal as the first, partly because I was only 6 weeks along, and partly because I was having complications and bleeding already when I took the pregnancy test and found out in the first place, so I was holding pretty lightly to this whole thing right from the start.

Why didn't I tell people right away? Why have I not felt the need to write about it like the last time? Well, a number of reasons. 1. last time I wanted sympathy. I wanted people to be sad with me, and let me really mourn. This time, while I have grieved, I haven't wanted sympathy. I didn't want lots of phone calls and people asking me how I'm doing. I just didn't want to talk about it. 2. This time I've got Aria. As weird as it seems, having a little one reminds me that I CAN have another, and that this isn't it. Plus, she just keeps me busy. She is pretty amazing while I am having my times of sorrow, she gives me hugs, and asks me if I have owies and all kinds of wonderfulness. She is so caring - it's amazing to watch.  3. I was a little overwhelmed. We got pregnant as soon as we stopped ensuring we wouldn't get pregnant. The first time around that took a half a year. The next time it took another half a year, so the fact it happened the same month was a bit much to swallow. Losing this little one, as much as it's being missed, has given us a chance to have some necessary conversations BEFORE we get pregnant again - which has been good.

But how am I doing now? Well - I'm certainly not pregnant, for those of you who are wondering. I also strongly dislike the fact that everytime we start "trying" we have a miscarriage, so there's no "surprise, we're pregnant" phone call. Everyone knows that we're trying because of losing a little one. *sigh* the anticipation isn't the same - neither is the excitement. I dislike all my pregnancies starting out with "well, let's just wait and see", but that seems to be the way it is.

Another thing I dislike - the month by month waiting. Every month I convince myself that I'm pregnant until I realize that I'm not. Every SINGLE month I am so in-tuned to my body that I've convinced myself that even though everyone around me is suffering from nausea and sickness, I am NOT sick - I am PREGNANT. Every little thing is a clue to a non-existant puzzle. Every weird dream, every meal that doesn't sit right, every time I'm tired at night, every time I mix up my words...it all means something that it doesn't. I am living in a perpetual state of "not just yet". It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. And I keep it to myself. after all, there's no point in taking Brad (and anyone else) on the roller coaster that I'm on every month - it's ridiculous enough for me to keep going back for more! I know many of you have never had the feeling of waiting - some of you have only ever had accidents, or instant pregnancies. Trust me, it's not fun! And every month I'm sure I'm experiencing the FOURTH first 6 weeks of being pregnant - I don't like being pregnant, so it's just silly to be perpetually experiencing a non-existent 4th pregnancy.

Some funny thoughts that have happened over the last few months... When Brad & I get to heaven, we're going to have 3 kids up there, two we've never met. We'll be driving around in our cloud car yelling "If I have to pull this thing over, somebody's getting a spanking..." and "Aria - stop pestering your younger sibling" and so on. Aria is now a middle child with no siblings.

We've been hashing around names for this little one, because again, I don't want to pretend it never happened. We've thrown around a few names and none have stuck. Except this one: Flop.
Yep - that's right - Flop is now in heaven with Stretch, looking down at us going "Seriously, guys - that's what you came up with?" Yep - that's where we're at. That's what happens when you get named AFTER a miscarriage. You don't get a name that we were happy to call you for the next 9 months - you get a name that tells your story. Oops didn't really work...so Flop it is.

So - to Stretch and Flop - my well loved babies up in heaven - I will see you someday. In the meantime, say Hi to my mom (and get her to read you some stories, she's good at that). and say hi to my Opa - because he'll love you to bits too - and someday we'll all laugh at how bad your dad & I were at coming up with names.

You existed - you were loved - you ARE loved. And hopefully, someday, we'll have another kid on THIS earth to drive around in the mini-van we've bought here. If you're the praying type - pray for that...and then be SUPER excited when we call to tell you the news.

Thanks for reading.
Deb

I drawed an 'A'

Aria just drew a perfect A (well, the side lines were a little curved, but they touched at the top, and there was a line perfectly across them). She said "I drewed an 'A' ".

I was so proud I wrote the date and was going to keep it forever, but she wanted to keep draweding more 'A's so I left her to it. Soon it was scribbled over, but still visible.

When I came back she'd cut it into pieces with scissors.

Oops.

Just for Uncle Rob & Auntie Hyangju

Dear Uncle Rob & Auntie Hyangju.

'samnida! I made a video for you.

From Aria

Always Learning

I had Aria put away her markers, and we were counting them as they went in. She got to about 5 in perfect sequence, and then she needed me to prompt her.

I started with "s..."

And she said "...ix"

I said "s..."

And she completed "...even"

But when I said "ei...." she finished with "...r-i-a!"

The Games We Play (Part 2)

So Aria's started changing up the 'spessle' girl game.

The other day I was just starting into my second question, and she interrupted me loudly: "No, I'm your spessle girl!"

Today I tried again:
"Are you my yoghurt popsicle?"
"No."
"Are you my green plastic spoon?
"Uhuh!" She had a ridiculous amount of merriment in her twinkling eyes, it cracked us both up!

Oh, and another quick story: we had a technician in the house (good-bye ADSL, hello cheaper, faster cable!) who was wearing his uniform cap the more typical way, not the way I do which some people say is backwards. I asked if she wanted me to put her hat on, and she liked that idea. I put it on the way I do, and she wanted it like his. So I turned it around, and then she said: "Look Daddy, I have two hats!"

After a few moments of that, and contemplating life, she decided that she wanted it 'sidewards'. With her, I swear there's no wrong way to wear a hat -- she looks ridiculously cute whichever way it goes. Sidewards is definitely a winner though.

Aria's New Trick

Aria's just learning how to make her fingers into numbers and ages. She was SUPER excited last Saturday when for the first time she showed someone at the bank how old she was, and she got it right! Her eyes just lit up!
We were skyping with Brad's folks the other day, and we were showing off, and she learned a few new ages in the discussion. Here she is, showing off her new knowledge.

Aria's busy eating her cereal and she wants to say " 'samnida" which is her version of the Korean word for thank you "Kam-sam-ni-da" (phonetic spelling only).


One of her favourite thing to do is wear princess dresses and dance to "Giselle" her princess movie (Enchanted). Those of you at Ron & Carol's this summer probably remember her doing this there too. Here it is on video!

The Games We Play

I've gotten Aria to play a game with me.

I ask: "Are you my x. Are you my y." Where x and y are the most random objects I can think of at the moment. She inevitably answers no to both of those, with a growing smile.

After that I ask: "Then, what are you?"

And she answers: "I'm your special girl!"

(She pronounces it "spessle" which is just the best!)

At which point I affirm her: "You are my special girl!"

After she went to bed tonight, and was quiet for about half-an-hour, I suddenly heard her voice from the crib talking to her doll, or Etton, or an imaginary friend:

"Are you my house...? Are you my bedroom...? ...Right, you are my spessle girl!"

Thanks for the sweaters, Nana!

Dear Nana - this is Aria & Carrie Ann talking from Korea.
We are visiting Korea right now. Actually we're not. We're just joking. If we were in Ontario we would come visit Opa and Nana. Carrie Ann would give you a big hug, but Aria says "No".
Carrie Ann wants to say thank you for the sweaters - Carrie Ann's is keeping her steamy hot.
We would go visit the butterflies again. One would land on Carrie Ann's palm, and one would land on the back of Aria's hand. Aria's butterfly would be red and Carrie Ann's would be purple and pink, no, Aria's would be green.

WE LOVE YOU OPA & NANA!

From Aria & Carrie Ann

We did some pictures with a friend for Kiss of Light, but Aria couldn't resist being a part of the action. These are shot in our basement garage at our condo. It's the second time I've done that -- it's a great spot for this kind of thing, something that I've just gotta use more. The only drawback is that it's a little chilly (hence our little girl's parka), but it really wasn't that bad (that parka is overkill on pretty much any day here).

We got a few raised eyebrows with the whole get-up in a dusty garage, but that's part of the fun, right?

And specifically for Dad who just stated that you can't trust any picture these days, there is no post processing at all on these images. Zero.

It Snowed Today...

Aria's been in the snow today three times. I think she's getting a kick out of it -- it seems like it's the first snow she remembers. She loves this snow suit, and surprised me by being able to put it on all by herself -- well 95%. Her ability matches her determination.

Anyway, she even worked with me on these pictures, walking over to play at this entrance gate. It's been a while since she's wanted to do pictures, so I'll take what I can get. She loves that we have pictures of her on the computer, but isn't always in the mood to have the camera pointed at her.

Belligerant Baby

Deb: Aria say Sorry for being...
Aria: sorry for being...
Deb: Belligerent
Aria: NO!

Stages

We were sitting around the staffroom, and my colleagues were talking about their kids finding places to live, offering counsel to struggling friends and acquaintances, and other impressively mature things. I admitted that we are in different stages of life, because we're celebrating that Aria is toilet-trained.

And for us, that is big news!

We discovered it sort of by accident when we stopped putting diapers on her! She now only wears a diaper when she sleeps at night (even 3hr naps are fine!), and sometimes that's even dry the next morning. This is credit to her -- we weren't pushing, she was just ready.

Her style of warning is dramatic enough to head off accidents too. She doesn't say "I may have to pee in the near future..." or "I need to pee, right now". She says "I'm peeing!!" That doesn't mean she is, but it sure gets a reaction. :-)