More and More Changes...

It's like once things start to be different in your life, an avalanche of things are different. I went from wanting a change to getting pregnant. From being pregnant and looking forward to that change to not being pregnant. From still wanting change to deciding to drop to part time at my teaching job and pursuing alternative ways of making money. From getting a small job as our church's secretary (hooray!!) to finding out dropping to part time at school might not be the best idea financially if I'm going on mat leave at some time in the future. From finding that out, to being offered MORE teaching time at the school!!

So, in the span of less than a month, I have officially become a non-mother, church secretary and Drama teacher for Grades SIX to Twelve. How exciting, and intimidating at the same time. And for all you teachers out there, I'd just like to say how happy I am to be making up two new courses the same year the government review is coming to our school expecting perfect course outlines. In the end, God takes care of us, He lets us know we need to work on taking care of ourselves, and then once we decide how we're going to do that, He changes everything anyway to something even better. Not a bad way to work things eh?

Three Cheers for Student Loans...

Brad and I have been trying to look on the positive in regards to our student loans for the last 10 years (sigh, has it been that long?? Yes...and longer...SIGH). So, every time we go down another 1000 it's cause to celebrate. This year we paid off Brad's loan (HOORAY!!!!!), although I got a statement from Stupid Bank (aka Scotia) the other day informing me that once again, he has $0 and he owed $0. It's been 9 months or so, hopefully they'll figure it out eventually. We also paid off my PROVINCIAL loan (HOORAY!!!!!) at the same time last year, so now we're down to only one loan - which is my Federal loan. SO, we still have reasons to celebrate on a semi-regular basis. This time, we can celebrate being under $13,000. Yay...sigh...Oh well. It's still good to see it going down. And hopefully, by the time we have to re-mortgage our house in 5 years, it'll be paid off. Wouldn't that be amazing? But it's ok, because in 2004 we had $27,000 still to pay, so we've made some very good progress in the last 3 years, I'd say (thanks Mom & Dad J, for your help with the very good progress). That's not bad. and thus, three cheers for Student Loans: One's paid: HOORAY, another's paid: HOORAY, and one's shrinking slowly....yay. Hey, I didn't say they all had to be the same volume of cheering, right??

My Husband's an Incredible Writer...

He's got his own blog and wrote something that I really enjoyed reading, so I thought I'd pass it along. It's at http://www.livingmartyrs.com/2007/04/screaming-in-soundproof-room.html. He's talented - that's part of what I like about him.

Caught in the 'Net

I've been finally putting some real work into getting my Dodge Coronet in order. I've ripped out much of the fabric and plastic from the interior, and my primary job is to now smooth and prep the metal for paint. This car is going to have a real rough and ready appearance, especially from the inside. I'm going to make it as basic as I can, and then gradually continue to refine it for however long I'm able to keep it. I'm working over all the surface with a wire brush on the end of a drill, and so far all nearly all the rust I've seen has given way to shiny metal underneath. (Yay!) I'm also cutting off the metal upholstery 'tangs' with my Dremel-clone. Those things get hot when you cut them off -- I had one seal itself to the vinyl seat. Good thing the seat covers are already shot!

It's a restoration process that takes real work, but what I'm doing now is being rewarded with less work later. It's a metaphor -- if you get to the corrosion in time, you can save it with a little work. If not, it's major surgery!

Making noise in the basement of a condo is kinda fun, but I wonder when I'll get the official word to stop. Though, you know, it's not like I'm hurting anyone. Yet... And with me being downstairs so much, I'm getting to meet a few neighbours. Well, at least the ones who aren't nervously and furtively scurrying away, desperately trying to avoid eye contact. Living in a condo has some really funny moments...

Pictures have been requested. Here are a couple of 'before' shots of the Coronet. Now the car now looks even more 'before'. Eventually that'll change -- I'll try to keep the process alive here.

Feeling Much Better

Well, since I've been keeping you all pretty well informed, I figure I may as well continue to keep you well informed. I've been feeling much better this weekend, Friday was a tiring day, from announcing things in church, to feeling quite sad all day, to it being Good Friday, which is often a day for quieter reflection - it was tough. It was also the end of a very long week. I had a good cry at the end of the day - I was still having physical pain, and that was a little scary too.

Friday seemed to be a turning point, though. Saturday was a little better, Sunday our service was good, I directed a play and that went over really well, and it just felt good for people to know, and to be able to move on because of that. It no longer felt like there was a big secret in our lives. There are many women (and families) in our church that can share my pain, because there are many who have experienced it - and that too was a comfort. As well, after Friday the physical pain subsided, which relieved some of my fears. Now things physically seem to be mostly over, which is a really nice feeling, and I think it helps me to be able to recover emotionally as well.

Making connections with people, getting it out in the open, and being able to be honest about what I've been through, both with myself, with people close to me, and to a wider circle of our church and work families has been such a blessing. God has placed amazing people in my life who have been such a comfort in many ways in the last week. I feel like I can start to look outside myself again a little bit, which is a nice place to be.

I'm not saying I'm not still sad, I'm not saying it's not still weird. There are still times I feel pregnant, and still times where something happens and I'm like "Oh, that's a pregnancy symptom" and I have to remind myself that it's not, BUT I'm continuing down the road that felt like it was at a dead stop last week, and I feel like that's a good place to be in right now.

Thank you for continuing to pray - we can feel the strength it brings us.

It's Spring!!

It's been a strange week here. Monday morning, as Brad drove me to the doctor's office and the hospital, we had snow on the ground, and on the trees (which was weird, with blossoms and snow). By the end of the day, in parts of Langley, it was summery and nice enough to wear a T-Shirt! (Brad has mentioned it was a three season day) We've discovered, since moving to the top of the "hill" in Murrayville that the small change in elevation actually impacts the weather, as we have snow, and keep it much longer than people down the hill (and it's really not a very big hill). It's kind of funny!

Yesterday was Good Friday, and William announced our miscarriage in church. We decided that being part of a church family meant they needed to know what was going on in our lives. As well, after doing a play rehearsal on Wednesday night, I realized that it was too hard to do church things and have no one know the incredible change that has happened in our lives, so he announced it, and we reflected on Jesus' death, and I know that because of sin in the world, our baby is dead, but because of Jesus, our baby is in heaven. It was a hard service to sit through, I was thankful Brad was beside me.

There's this real dichotomy in the world right now for me. I see trees bursting with flowers, I see daffodils and crocuses out everywhere. Buds are forming on trees that don't flower, people are starting to wear shorts and feel summery, and every time I think about the life that is developing around me after a long stark winter, I also remember that there is death in the world. It's a weird thing to celebrate life and suffer death in the same breath, but I feel like that's what I've been doing a lot recently. Thankfully, even with the sadness, there's also comfort and peace. God has surrounded me with a good church family, an incredible group of friends in the area and far away, amazing family members who are walking this road with us, and a spouse who is there for me, to comfort me, to make me laugh and to ride the roller coaster that are my moods this week. I am so thankful for his patience and understanding during this week.

Life is hard, but God is good.
He blesses us everyday, even this week.

Other Responses...

I thought it might be cool to include some of the e-mail responses we've gotten from people over the past week. I'm sure there'll be more coming in (I hope there will be, I'm keeping all of them). It has meant a lot to hear from people and to get support from those we care about. Since some of you are also mourning with us, and not simply watching us mourn, some of you may gather strength from these as well (or laugh, as we did from time to time). Your comments on the blog as well, are just wonderful. Thank you for helping us through this time.

From my dad: I got your message and just wanted to say that I love you very much and I pray that God will give you strength and grace through this difficult time.

From my sister Rebecca: Matthias' comment is that "Stretch is a good name for someone who's going to die right away." Bethany's response is to ask a million times "How come it died?" My reaction was to go and check on Carrie Ann... she's sleeping peacefully. Frank and I are sad with you.

From my brother, Rob: i'll pray for you. i love you i love you i love you i love you. feel free to take a bit longer to let us know next time, just as long as it isn't with a "guess what I'm holding in my arms right now?. . . my one-year-old's birthday cake!" phone call.

From my sister in law, Caryn: I am so sorry to hear about your loss, Dan and I were so happy that you shared your news with us last weekend, and now I don't know what to say (type...). I am so sorry. I know how exciting this all was, and now, UGH, I'm lost for words. I guess this news hits pretty hard just cause I was so excited for you both, cause your going to be awesome/ fun parents. I'm going to think about you and pray for you all week, and beyond. Take care of and be kind to yourselves during this time and know that God has your little one.

PS - I love the Baby's name.

From friends Kate and Aaron: Please know that our hearts and prayers are with you guys today and beyond today.

From my friend Caszie: I can honestly say that there are no words. All I have for you is a tearful cry (@%*&^#*!!!!), a prayer, and a hug electronic bear hug coming at you from a few virtual miles away (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((YOU))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))-My arms. Actually, here's one for Brad as well ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BRAD))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))). You're in our thoughts and prayers.

From my colleague and friend, Sue: Throughout the day thoughts of you both, and of course dear little Stretch, have been on my mind and heart, and prayers have been fervent. I was so very sad to hear of the loss of your precious little, little child. I want to hug you both, cry with you, . . . and just be with you. However, I know you need time together and alone. Hugs will come later.

We have gotten roses, and two beautiful bouquets, one from Mom & Dad J in Ontario. We've been visited by Sue and MaryAnna, and gotten hugs from so many people out here, and many wished hugs from family all over the place, we know. Your love for us and for Stretch is cherished, your concern means so much and your continued prayers are helping us through. Thank you all for being a part of this journey. We love you guys.
Deb

It's Just So Strange

This event is sad and disappointing and whole bunch of other things. But the over-riding feeling I'm having is just how weird this is. It's two rapid-fire reversals: we're going to be parents -- oh now we're not. But neither reversal is a full 180. Being parents isn't a drastic change to who we are, and not being parents doesn't quite return us to the way it always was. (So what direction are we going now?) I have a renewed perspective on how tenuous life is. (Though as I catch up on 32, I thought I was sufficiently aware of mortality...?) And there's the question of how to process and deal with this little life, something that's shrouded in a mystery we'll never understand on Earth (of the five Ws, we know at most two). Deb and I both talked about how virtual this process was the whole time. We even compared it to buying our condo, which up until now was our prime example:

We'd go the realtor, and shuffle some papers, sign something and make an electronic payment. Then we'd go to the lawyer, and shuffle some papers, sign something and make another electronic payment. And then we'd go to the bank do it again. And somehow the binder full of papers, the hurried ink marks we made, and debt records in the bank's database add up to the physical place that we live in. Where's the briefcase full of money, and the handshake? That I could comprehend -- this is a bizarre extension of trust that takes it to a level that I'm not entirely comfortable with. I mean, how surprising would it really be if some suit with slicked hair knocked on our door and said "You filled out two papers incorrectly, and as a result I am the new owner of your home" ? (You can perhaps understand why with the imagination I have, I'm glad that I don't trust only in cars and houses.)

I guess, when it comes right down to it, that's what's hitting me. I'm really feeling how virtual life is. I don't know if that's just a product of this era, with its automated money dispensers and gas pumps, or if there's a fundamental spiritual truth I'm tuning in to. Or both. But it seems the only concrete part of this whole process, maybe any process, is its conclusion. And that's just so strange.

Changes Happen so Quickly...

**Warning - the message below deals with a woman's body - if you are uncomfortable with that, feel free to ignore skip to "The Second Part of the Post" - I promise not to be offended**

It's strange how quickly the body returns to "normal" after spending two whole months being radically different. When I was pregnant I was incredibly hungry a lot of the time, now that's gone. I couldn't sleep on my belly because I would feel uncomfortable very quickly, now I can. I was steadily gaining weight (right on track with everything..) unfortunately that one hasn't gone back so quickly :-). My breasts were much fuller than they were before, and now, in the span of a day, they are back to normal. I'm not tired anymore (other than a tearful exhaustion that sets in from time to time), I'm sleeping through the night, and can sleep in late in the morning. I don't have to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and the constipation is gone - it's so strange.

**The "Second Part of the Post" **

In so many ways, it's like I've gone right back to the way that I was before, and no one who didn't know would think anything had been any different. In some ways, our lives have changed radically, and in some ways, it's like nothing at all has changed. I think reconciling that sort of thing is the most difficult for Brad and me right now. I know I was pregnant - I know my body changed, I know Stretch was a part of our lives. Now a new journey of questions begins. How do we honour what has happened, and not slip right back into things like they've always been, but at the same time, how do we keep from wallowing in something that is in the past? It's a strange quandary, and one I don't think we've figured out yet.

Perhaps part of it comes in not denying Stretch was around. We aren't going to "delete" the first bunch of posts. We aren't going to throw out the few gifts we've gotten from people already, but we are going to pack away the maternity clothes (or the ONE maternity shirt), and pull out the old stuff again and continue on this journey. I'll go back to work tomorrow, and I haven't decided yet whether I'm going to be telling students about what's happened or not (they're not the most sensitive, some of them, I've discovered). Our colleagues will know, but I'm not going to want to talk about it - it makes for a very long day at work when that happens over and over, I know that from experience too! I guess what it comes down to is we don't have all the answers, but we have a lot of questions, and that's not uncommon - and it's definitely O.K.

Too short of a Stretch...

Well, it's been a shorter journey than we hoped for, but all the same, we're glad we had a little chance to walk down the road of life with our little one. Now, in heaven, he/she's stretched beyond what our imaginations can comprehend.

I woke up this morning telling Brad that it kinda feels like when someone you really loved breaks up with you. It's not only an immediate loss of the relationship you currently had, it's also a loss of the potential you saw for your future together. You remain the same person, but the journey your life will take is suddenly so different from what you had dreamt before that moment happens. It's time to look at your priorities, it's time to lean on those you love, it's time to cocoon up a little bit and take care of yourself for a while - and then it's time to see where God has plans to take you next.

You love what you lost, and you cherish all of the memories that were made (and with Stretch, there were memories made, watching or hearing people's reactions to the news, the jokes about sleeping, the changes in my body), but you also miss the new memories that won't get made, while also knowing that there is something else out there in our journey together. I am so grateful for Brad beside me and for the people who are already surrounding us with prayers, love and hugs and for the peace that God gives, that truly does surpass understanding. Thank you, all.

A Symbol of Life

This is it. This is the sum of our current records about a new life. We dream and think and hope based on markings recorded on a plastic stick. I guess it makes sense then that this all seems so virtual. Soon there will be more records, and pictures on websites, and then perhaps doodles on fridges. But for now this is literally all the concrete documentation that lets us know we're expecting. But there are some other noticeable signs.

Like the way I'm being pushed of the bed each night as a result of my wife's unsuccessful quest for a comfortable way to sleep. That's a change. (And then after an entire night of pushing me away she wants to snuggle -- that doesn't work so well for my early-morning brain.) And then there's the way she's hurt, and can't take teasing about it when I bring it up the next day. Sheesh, you think you know a person...

The rule of thumb that I heard at the time was that if you can survive planning a wedding, you're ready for marriage. I gotta say, I'm glad the whole process doesn't start with pregnancy. (And if in your case it did, or will, I really feel for you! You have a special invitation to respond in the comments section.)

Who is this 'Stretch'?

This is a strange thought: Stretch is going to be the first person in my life that I won't actually meet. I'll be introduced to a bundle of need, which isn't representative of who he/she is. And in a strange way, I won't get to see what they look like. Because the whole process of a new life is all so fluid, and I'm so 'there', that I will probably never be able to be objective. (Photography might be good or bad in that regard.)

I guess it happened with my siblings too, but y'know I was so young that I wasn't nearly as connected or invested with the process, and to be honest I didn't have a poet's mind then either. Stretch will take elements that we give it, things we say and things that are only unmysterious to God, and unfold before us.